Celebrating Life at Christmas

The Treasure Box of Memories

You know, I struggle with the whole Christmas thing.  Each year I seek more strength to get through it.  Not because I don’t like Christmas, but it sometimes is a constant reminder of the people I am missing.  I open the box of Christmas decorations and then I close it again. I must open those boxes at least a hundred times before I get the courage to put one decoration on the tree.  Maybe because there are generations of decorations in those boxes.  Grandparents, parents, children and now our own grandchildren.

Many of these decorations carry so many memories of laughter and unconditional love.  The smell of fresh baked apple pie or the turkey roasting in the oven it was awesome.  We danced and sang to Christmas carols even it we did not want to we did it as a family.  It was the one time of the year that we spent as a family.  If there was any animosity amongst others it was forgotten about on Christmas day, it was magical.

So, I finally wrestle up the courage to hang the decorations on the tree, but it has become such a process now.  It should be happy and magical, but I just can’t do it.  When I place those irreplaceable memories on the tree I cannot help but grieve for my loved ones that are not able to share in the memories anymore.  Its natural, right?  I mean I do have this sense that they are here and I am blessed to see the subtle signs like seeing dimes in the boxes, or seeing feathers, a special fragrance and lights flickering.  Its just not the same somehow there is still this emptiness inside.   I know its is up to me to create new memories and Lord I try, but I am dismayed with what Christmas has become.

My memories sometimes take me to a bad place in which I see my family members suffering, but so humbly.  Never once did they complain about dying or about being sick.  Each day, hour, minute and second was scared and even in the darkest moments when their health was ailing we remembered the good times and continued to laugh.  Facing death is very scary and it is something no one wants to think about, but its reality.  I suppose if you have had the pleasure of communicating with your loved ones on the other side it doesn’t seem so scary.  What seems scary to me is we have lost focus on what truly is important.

We frantically search for the perfect gift for the in-law that we talk about and snicker about behind their back, or we push and shove others to get that last toy on the shelf.  Never mind the parking lots, circling around just to get a parking spot and once you do then you must wrestle with sour crowds of people. Oh, yes and then X-mas, jeepers that is just so disrespectful to the season.  Yeah yeah I know its just the short form so I have been told, but its not right.  Keep Christ in Christmas.

So, as I place the last decoration with courage I smile and remember that the memories we shared were of love and laughter.  Sure, we could have wished for more time, but the time we shared was cherished.  It was not wasted on silliness.  Mind you my mother was a little outrageous, but her heart was always in the right place and she did it with an unselfish heart.  I would give anything to dance with her one last time on Christmas day. 

If you are blessed with family, this Christmas build a lifetime of memories.   Memories, kindness, and gratitude is much more prosperous in the heart then gifts are.   Remember Christmas is a celebration of a special life, a birth and we should be doing exactly that celebrating our life!

A Broken Soul The Road to Reovery

The Gift Within Us: Laughter & Gratitude

Besides going to my trailer I am generally a homebody. A couple of weeks ago I was out for an evening of fun hoping to run into some friends. I am a social person and very much enjoy the company of friends and unconditional laughter. Belly laughter is the best treatment and it warms your soul. Your heart almost feels warm and your eyes are glistening. Laughter true laughter can be the greatest medicine to a tough day and for others too. Some laughter is just so contagious.

While I was out I ran into an old friend. Her life has not always been easy and she has faced immense hardship. She was happy to see me, but I could sense this inner despair within her. Before my intuition of soul despair, this disability used to scare me. I used to run a million miles a second from a troubled soul, but now I try to understand the circumstances that brought them to such a troubled place and really try to understand their bitterness, sorrow, fear and so many other emotions. Difficult to explain, but I feel this is a gift. A true blessing to look at others to see and sense if they are spiritually healthy. These troubled emotions are not only unhealthy to our spirit they are unhealthy to our bodies. You make think that I am crazy, but I truly believe that many illnesses we bring upon ourselves is because of our spiritual unrest.

After watching my folks die of cancer it just really made me wonder and I began to research a little more. Not all cancer is genetic and we all have cancer cells within our bodies what exactly is the trigger? The scientists have been studying disease for hundreds of years and yet they treat the symptoms of the disease and not the disease itself.

When we get sick we pray to be healed and when our prayers are not answered we don’t forgive God. And then the question is, why have you cast this disease upon me and not healed me? It is at these times in times of sickness you have to reach down into your soul and analyze. I cannot tell you how to heal yourself because if I could I would be famous. What I can tell you is to rid yourself of the dirty toxins within your soul. Don’t hate God because he has not answered you. That is what my old friend said to me when I saw her “I hate God.” When I heard that I felt a sense of panic. Not for myself but for her. I tried to console her and not condemn her. Explaining that there was so many things in her life to be grateful for. Do not focus on the wrongs focus on the rights focus on what you have not what you don’t.

As many of you know my journey of life was quite bumpy, but I look at these bumps as a sign of my strength. Sometimes I wonder if this is a test to see if these hiccups will sour me, but I will continue to be grateful as long as I am able to enjoy each day in good health with the love of my family. I have made mistakes along my journey and have never proclaimed perfection. Man there was even some points in my life that I did not feel the laughter in my belly. I was just going through the notions but it was extremely empty fake not real. I never even knew there was such a thing until I felt the true warmth of laughter. It is never too late to be grateful but part of being grateful is also forgiving others. When you are forgiving of others or yourself you have to mean it in your heart because how can you really feel gratitude if you bear resentment or an unforgiving attitude? You just can not do it its impossible and if you think you can then you are fooling yourself. Only you know what is inside of you and only you know how to change it.

I remember along time ago one of my professor’s had said I was a free spirit and I never really understood what he meant until now. The last year has been an eye opener and I have met so many people of great diversity. So many of these strangers had complimented me for my free spirit and positive aura. They said I was a fresh breath of air, but I soon realized that I had touched them and even changed their thought process. Today even someone mentioned that I should be a spiritual healer that was my true calling. I don’t try it just seems to come naturally. I am blessed to have these people step into my life and give them words of hope when they are needing it. This is in my heart and I suppose that my passion for spiritual recovery and health have changed others. Wow who knew that this turbulent ride would take me to such a precious place.

We all have a gifts and dreams inside of us. We have the ability to define our future by our thoughts and our spiritual health. Life is life but at least we have that blessing. Don’t surround yourself with negativity. It is okay to love and forgive negative people, but you do not have to be around them because if you do then you are letting it in. its easy to get discouraged, but know that it is only temporary and there are much greater things in store.

I am a spiritual blogger and specialize apparently in restoring a broken soul. If you are suffering don’t do it alone. I am especially compassionate about cancer and disease. Please send me a line so I can send you some words of encouragement. youmansjennifer@gmail.com Remember while you face a difficult journey someone else may suffering greater ones.

The Evolution of Changing One's Self

A Leopard Can Change

Today has been exceptionally rough for some reason and although I am the pillar of positive we all have rough days and I guess it is just one of those days.  I always try and see the beauty of the world and the beauty of people, but sometimes the vision can be easily clouded. Have you ever just woke up and thought the world is wonderful, but as the day progresses and the negative annotations you embark upon just seem to overwhelming and almost unbearable.

So many times I have been subject to many judgments by others and to be quite frank it really can get to you.  The sad part about it is the people who are casting judgments have no idea what is in your heart or what your intentions are.  My heart is as big as a Mount Everest I only and always have the best intention at heart, but yet some people think I have some underlying motive for my good intentions.  Is it because perhaps people have their own struggles with good intentions?

Some leopards never change their spots, but some do and it can be a difficult feat to prove that.  People in general I believe can be unforgiving and that is a ritual sin. People do change and if you surround yourself around people that have the inability to accept those changes then perhaps it is time to move on.  Move on to today a future where the past is unknown and the present is real and you are accepted for the person you have become.

I suppose there are always those people that are the ultimate pessimists and fail to see that the glass is half full, or they are always suspicious of people’s intentions.  This is what gets me down.  We live in a pretentious world unfortunately.  Humans put on their happy face say what you want them to hear, but two seconds later they cast some form of judgment and unfortunately as I said earlier I am one of those people.

Today I cried, I cried for my best friend because she is no longer here to give me those words of wisdom.  There is no more ”Jennifer who cares what people think you are wonderful, kindhearted and an intelligent person.”  I sometimes feel lost without my friend the one who always cared and never cast judgments, but ironically she shows up when I need her the most.

When I was weeping today missing her I looked up and there was a beautiful red cardinal on the fence.  I knew it was her and I immediately felt comfort.  She came to me to let me know that she is here and she will always be here in my time of despair.  A smile came to my face and the days troubles just seem to disappear because I knew that despite others feeble attempts to kick me down or throw hurdles in my way she would always be here to guide me out with a positive flare and this friend was my mother.

Life is life and as I explained it can be cruel and unfair, but don’t ever succumb to the evilness,, which sometimes it is easy to do.  Never take evilness over good when the circumstances seem grim.  We are human beings and we all have a heart we all have compassion this is what comes naturally.  Follow your heart and life will never steer you in the wrong direction, but only if you allow it too.

Suffering - A Test of Your Faith

The road to recovery is progressing slower than I anticipated, but nonetheless it is progressing. Dealing with a death of a loved one is not easy and I really don’t think there is right way or a wrong way to grieve. There are good days and bad days and as time progresses it does get easier.

Nearly seven months have gone since my 
mother departed into heaven. The wounds are still raw and I am not sure if they will ever heal. I am now an orphan at forty seven, missing the influence that my mother and father once had in my life here on earth. I know they are my guardian angels now and I often find myself saying out loud “right mom, right dad?” One of my regrets is not appreciating life soon than I have. My mother’s death has had a profound impact on my life, but for the better.


I often catch myself asking the question why. Why have my parents died of cancer? Why do I have to see my family suffer?  It is at these times you question your faith and your spirituality. Some people would quickly give up their faith saying no God would do this, but I quickly remember Job in the Old Testament. He too suffered continuous hardship. At first his friends tried to console him but then his friends had believed he was a sinner and he must have been deserving of this hardship.

When we see a Christian suffer we assume that they have brought this hardship upon themselves, but suffering is not a result of sin as we see with Job. Instead of asking the question why start asking the question what, what is God up too? He is trying to build our character as he did with Job and I am sure as he is doing with me as well. During the suffering I have remained loyal and patient and I just know in my spirit that God has a plan for my loyalty and like Job, I too will be flourished with abundance.


My recent journey of suffering has certainly tested my patience, but I am committed now more than ever to remain faithful. My only wish is that all that whom are suffering hardship have comfort in knowing that the best is yet to come. Don’t throw away your beliefs because life doesn’t seem fair. Do not dwell on the why’s dwell upon that what’s. Your character is being built, conditioned and strengthened. Trust me I know. My character is of titanium now and each day my soul is nourished with more love, forgiveness and gratitude. What once bothered me does no longer.



We are only here for a short time and each of us can make a profound difference in other’s lives as my mother has in mine. Her death on earth has resurrected my soul here on earth. As long as I am here I will continue to count my daily blessings because each day we have here on earth is a gift, a gift of life! Suffering really is not a curse, it is a premonition of better  things to come, you just have to believe it!

Overcoming Hardship in Your Life

The Train Ride of Life 

When I gaze out the train window and view the changing of the season I reflect upon the changes of my life in the last year.  The loss of my mother in a heart wrenching manner had a profound impact on my life. Her disease and her death has forever changed me and has left an emptiness that will never be filled. I also reflect on losing my dream job, a job that I had sought for so long. It is difficult to digest at times, but I have to believe that these changes will condition me and guide me to path of self-fulfillment and inner prosperity.

As the train moves towards the final destination I also think of my journey and what my final destination will look like.  Although my current destination is taking me to a new career path to financial security.  It is not taking me to the destination of self-fulfillment. Self-fulfillment does not pay the bills unfortunately.  Sometimes the path we are destined to follow, similar to the train, makes several stops along the way, but ultimately you reach your dream destination.  The caveat is you have to believe that you will reach your ultimate destination and understand that each stop along the journey may take longer than others.

I know now that I am overcoming the stop to hardship and believe that God’s plan is starting to take effect because I have faith that he is doing so. I have landed an amazing job at a reputable company, but believe this is another stop to my ultimate destination. In just a short week ironically I have met two people that can help me establish my foundation to help homeless youths. One person has had experience seeking funding from the government (specifically for youths) in the tune of 4.8 million dollars and is willing to assist me to get funding for my foundation.  The other person I met has a daughter whom is a psychologist that specializes with youths and is currently volunteering in the city.

Is this coincidence? I do not think so. The plan is starting to take place all on its own without even looking for it because my faith has led me there. I did not magically think of helping others, this was a calling a true calling when my mother was ill.  I was blessed to have this calling and although there may some turbulence and noise and by noise I mean all the naysayers I will continue to persevere.  Sometimes it so easy to give up because the plan does not come together overnight, but as long as you continue to move forward with belief and faith it will happen when it is meant to.

As the train reaches its final destination each day I have belief that I will to soon reach mine very soon as well. Never give up on your dreams move forward and know that they will not magically just happen without faith.  God has a plan for you, but be patient he wants the best for you!

Terminal Lung Cancer - The Ugly Side of Medicine

An Unforgettable Journey  Terminal Lung Cancer: Hope Through our Healer Jesus

First of all I have nothing to gain from telling you this dirty truth and the journey I have been on with Cancer.  You see it started over 18 years ago when I lost my grandmother, my father and my step father to the disease.  Now my mother has fourth stage lung cancer with brain mets.  There is so much information out there  and so many people suffering with this disease or caring for loved ones with the disease I have to tell you my recent truth and warning it may disturb some.

She was having headaches prior to Christmas and yes I am a Christian so if you do not believe in the Christian faith then this may not be for you.  On December 27, 2014 my mother went to the hospital as the headaches were unbearable. Our worst fear was confirmed multiple brain tumours.  At that time the doctor had indicated that she was not responding to the medication and would we like to put her on a ventilator.  I thought this was crazy because she was driving that morning.

It all happened so quickly but yet very slowly to receive any results from the doctor’s.   That dreaded day in January when the pathology report came in stage four lung cancer with brain mets.  According to the doctors there was nothing they could do as they do not offer a cure for terminal patients.  They only offer symptom relief.   The prognosis without radiation was four to six weeks max.  So we proceeded to take the radiation.  5 days of WBRT and then wait and see for another six weeks. 

During the wait mother did not eat for 30 days and was pretty much bed ridden, however in her weakened state she went for the MRI.  At this point she was in a catatonic state not making much sense and was struggling immensely with her brain function.

We went to see the oncologist the following week to receive the results of the scans.  By the look of the scans her conditioned had worsened and spread to the adrenal gland.   The radiation did not work and in fact it was worse, the original scan back in January indicated 8 tumors.   Once again the doctor soiled her spirit and soul.  It was a quiet ride home, and I reminded her of the positive that it could have spread to other places.

I went home went to meditate and once again asked Jesus to wrap his arms around my mother and bring his healthy blood cells and fill her body with healthy cells.  I cried out to him to please help, but I always remained thankful to him as we sometimes forget to do. 

I called up mother and said will you please drink some juice if I make you some? And she said yes!  My first of many miracles to come thanks to our messiah Jesus Christ.  I ran to the grocery store I purchased every food item I had extensively researched over twenty years and threw it in the juicer.   Miracle number two she drank it and has continued to do so since April 09, 2015.  Then we saw subtle changes she was getting up and then getting out of the house and then cleaning doing laundry cooking supper.  What this was crazy, but great.  Her spirit phenomenal and her personality was emerging back again.  Was this Jesus or the Juice I don’t know?  But we were just so happy to see her like this.   We did have to go to another appointment with the radio oncologist on April 17, 2015, which I did not really want to go because in their own right they think that they are GOD.  Telling people there is nothing they can do and they have a certain amount of time to live!!!, but I knew in my heart that as soon as this oncologist saw my mother she would be dumbfounded. I wanted her to see my mother, but I was afraid that the doom and gloom again would set my mother back.  So when we got there the nurse said do you know why you are here and we were like well yes and no it was obvious that we wanted to know if the radiation had worked as the other cowardly oncologist was too vague indicating that was his not his area of specialty, but I am pretty sure they all know how to look at an MRI.  He was too much of a coward to tell the truth so he referred her to the radio oncologist.

The nurse  said how are you feeling and my mom is like fine and then with a rather perplexed face said have you had any headaches and  my mom said no.   My mother said well my daughter has been making this juice for me.  The nurse immediately coped an attitude and said to me what is in that juice?  I said why? It really is none of your business   as I thought to myself you have done nothing for her.  She proceeded to say well you cannot have juice while you are treatment as it may interfere.   By this point I was furious and that was the final straw that broke the camels back for me and conventional medicine done!  I have always had a problem with this system and the ego of the doctors as I have seen them do little for my family.    No juice what? this is fruits and vegetables put here on our earth. A beverage full of the necessary enzymes, proteins, and antioxidants to rid the body of free radicals. 

Cancer thrives on starvation and the lack of oxygen and it is a breeding ground for the cancer to grow quickly.   I mean it is not rocket science, but yet we put our trust in people whom are desensitized looking at individuals as a number.

Any way I told the nurse that she was not receiving any treatment so we will do what we want! 

Then the doctor came in and said how are you doing?  and again my mom said fine.  She now also looked perplexed, but proceeded to say that the radiation did not work in fact the condition was worse and she had about 40 brain mets. I was stunned 40? Anyway I said to the oncologist that I was doing something and she insisted that I look at the scans, but I did not want to she kept insisting so I went into the room and looked at them.  It was like she had to justify it to herself and not to me.  She was counting the tumors on the scan and I said I get it, but it did startle me but bear in mind this scan was done before the juice.

I said to her since I have been giving her this juice she has done a 360 and she turned and said medical miracles happen all of the time.  I then told her I believe in Jesus Christ.

I asked one final question:  Can you please tell me person to person not doctor to patient was the outcome you expected to see when you can in to the room and she said No not at all and she said keep doing what you are doing because it seems like it is working.  She was a nice woman, but I felt so bad for her as she has been brainwashed by the medical system.

You see this disease has affected my life in many ways many times.  I have never truly believed and on April 17, 2015 every dirty truth was confirmed. So sad.  You see many people look for or type the word cancer on the Internet and millions of sites pop up.  Believe me I have been there.  I have seen some people who proclaim to have a cure a miracle pill, miracle water, clinics etc.  These are the ones you have to watch out for as they take advantage of the vulnerable so desperate willing to pay any price for a cure.

Myself the biggest skeptic I am fact oriented and don’t fall for money hungry blood suckers just the truth and faith.  To date my mother has lived nearly 4 months passed their predictions of 4-6 weeks. And she is living a quality of life!  Happy

At the end of the day God has the final say not the doctor.  You see I heard a voice and had a vision.  And my mission is to spread the word of the gospel and our messiah Jesus Christ to help all in need of help.

Update: My mother is in God graces now she passed away July 23, 2015, however she lived seven months not the original diagnosis of four to six weeks. Perhaps if she had not had the the poison of radiation the outcome may have been different who knows. Whether you are suffering from Cancer or are a caregiver please do not let the doctors control your fate. Please place your trust in Jesus. Sometimes we are granted more time and sometimes complete healing, (and their are many many stories of complete healing that have dumbfounded medical professionals) however whatever the outcome, we are blessed with eternal life and it was time for my mother to move over to a heavenly life which bears no suffering.


For anyone suffering the same fate right now, may God give you the strength to overcome the obstacles you are facing. If you require support or someone to share your thoughts with I would be happy to lend an ear and offer you advice. youmansjennifer@gmail.com


NEVER LOSE HOPE!

I pray for your healing , take care and God Bless xoxox



It is Not Goodbye Until We Meet Again

A Butterfly Watches Over Me

As I sit watching the beauty of the summer sky.  I sit and reflect on one of the most difficult journeys I have embarked on to date.  It is easy to question my faith and ask the question why.  Why I do I have to encounter such loss and such hardship, but I am quickly reminded that this is called life here on earth.  I cannot help but feel a sense of bitterness, but I am also quickly reminded that bitterness is an emotion that leads to a poison to our spirit which ultimately causes a bitter spirit. Something that I wish not to possess in my life.  It is very easy to get caught in this trap when your feelings are raw with agony. But understanding that allows me to rid the poison.

I feel such a deep sadness and know that my life has been forever changed as my mother departed earth, but knowing she is with her family and is truly in a place where there is no pain no suffering gives me the ultimate solace.  My thoughts take me to a place not so long ago where my mother was suffering so terribly and the question to our father was “why is this so? Can you not just take her what are you waiting for?”, but again God has a plan for each of us and from the moment we are born we begin to die.  I have to believe that there is a purpose to our birth as there is to our death.

For anyone going through a similar journey know that if you require the strength ask for Gods help and he will provide you with the strength. We must remember that even though the body is sick, the soul and spirit remain very much alive and healthy.  Although my mother’s body was riddled with cancer her spirit always shined through and I knew this.  Her healthy spirit enabled me to cope with her loss here on earth and as I held her hand in her final breaths I actually felt her spirit leave her body and go through mine.  It was one of the most amazing and uplifting feelings I have ever felt in my entire life. Feeling her spirit leave gave me peace and comfort knowing the she was indeed going to her celestial place.

People often say, “You don’t need to be so strong, it is okay to have your moments.” Which indeed I always will, but I have complete faith in our Father and I know he is taking good care of my mother.  Death is a natural part of life and although we would always love to have more time, sometimes it is just not meant to be. I used to be petrified of death, but now I realize it is an inevitable event in our lives. I do not fear this event because I know I to will be taken care of and reunite with my departed loved ones on earth. It is not strength I expel, but faith and the reality of what eternal life truly means.

Although I will miss her beautiful smile and contagious zest for life I take comfort in knowing that she will be waiting for me when I embark on the journey someday.  Mom you are my butterfly and when I see a butterfly I will know it is you. Over the weeks I have seen you come to me many times when I was feeling sadness, but when I saw the butterfly I was quickly reminded you were looking over me.  You are here in spirit forever and always, and it is never truly goodbye, but until we meet again.

The Meaning of a Butterfly